Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category
At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class.
The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, “I bet I know what it is; Flowers.”
“That’s right!!” the boy said, “but how did you know?”
“Oh, Just a wild guess,” the teacher replied.
The next student was the daughter of a candy shop owner.
The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, “I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets.”
“That’s right!!” said the little girl, “but how did you know?”
“Oh, I’ve been around for many years,” said the teacher proudly.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package, but it was leaking, so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test.
“Is it wine?” the teacher asked.
“Nope,” the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. “Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No madam,” he replied.
The teacher, with all her knowledge, finally took one more big taste before admitting, “I give up. What is it?”
With a giant grin, the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It’s a puppy”
A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing……She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’.
I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick’.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’
( I read this somewhere… )
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We dont have any money for food” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellow says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall”
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some help.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
“Ok, follow me” he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.
Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”
How many programmers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardware problem
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
From the Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary:
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”